Tag Archives: youtube

The Horrors of Children’s YouTube, pt 3: An Unholy Discovery

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This post is part of an extremely-occasional series on the worst of children’s YouTube videos. You can read part 1 here and part 2 here.

Imagine: you’re browsing YouTube when you come across one of the more recent videos from an account called Play Kids. The title of the video is “♫Nursery Rhymes♫ HULK Colors x4 riding Banana Colors cars & Lightning McQueen Cars (Songs for Kids).” The description of it reads as follows:

HULK COLORS With Their New Banana Colors Car & Disney Pixar Custom Flying Colors Lightning McQueen Cars. Popular Children Song With Action. Nursery Rhymes Fun Time.

You might be forgiven for thinking the account manager threw in a bunch of random words in a pitiful bid to enhance the video’s SEO. Only after clicking the play button would you realize that the description was entirely accurate.

Another thing you’d realize? You’ve just fallen into one of the strangest internet rabbit holes in existence. Continue reading

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The Horrors of Children’s YouTube, pt 2: Just Dance Kids

Last week’s post was long and required research on my end, which means I’ll still be whinging to my cats about it for at least another month. In light of that, I wanted this week’s topic to be something easy and stupid…and it sure ended up being one of those things! Just Dance Kids–a game that exists because Nintendo decided people of all ages have the right to look like assholes in their living rooms–is certainly stupid. Easy, though? That’s another story.

As mentioned previously, I work in an elementary school classroom, which means I watch a lot of children’s videos that appear to have been frantically pieced together to protect a non-existent copyright, featuring songs that give every indication of having been performed by a Chinese tourist held at gunpoint and forced to recite, on pain of death, every English word they half-remember from high school. Something I see a lot of, which I haven’t mentioned till now, is Just Dance Kids. What follows are my unbiased reviews of five prominent Just Dance Kids routines. Included in each review is a special “Jiggle Physics” segment–because, as whoever choreographed these dances realized, kids can’t dance, but they sure can jump up and down. Breast-havers, beware.

“I’M GONNA CATCH YOU”

The Song
I’ll be honest, I’m not sure what’s trying to catch me. The accompanying dance moves skew heavily toward stylized running…

I'm Gonna Catch You

There’s only so far you can run inside a 50’s diner.

…but what the hell are we running from? A murderer? A swarm of bees? The inexorable creep of our own mortality?

Every year is getting shorter...

“Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time…”

It’s a mystery.

The Dance
It’s not terrible, except for an oft-repeated move that involves bouncing from one leg to the other while spinning in a circle. I always force myself to do this move; my co-worker’s do not. I am strong. They are weak.

Jiggle Physics
Slightly uncomfortable, but it involves more shifting than jumping. This dance can be done comfortably in front of others, unless those others are eighth grade boys, who get lathered over any hint of mammary motion and are just the absolute worst.

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Kid Songs from Hell: The Horrors of Children’s YouTube

I work with young children, which means I spend a lot of time listening to children’s songs. I don’t mean the songs I listened to as a kid–ballads of futility like “The Bear Went Over the Mountain” or gripping exposes of maternal schizophrenia like “Down by the Bay.” I mean more modern creations, the fruits of what I call Children’s YouTube.

Children’s YouTube is like regular YouTube, except it’s nothing but crappy songs and every video has 90 million hits. Take a second to wrap your mind around that: 90 million hits. Kids are nothing if not good little consumers, and they consume the hell out of YouTube.

Most of it is uninspiring fare, though some of it opens up horrifying new avenues of possibility. For example, how many different ways are there to sing the alphabet song? One? Guess again, sucker! It turns out the alphabet song can be sung 13 god damn ways, each of which are sure to enchant the balls off your little tyke.

ABCDEFGLALALALA

This one’s like the regular ABC song, except a woman goes “la la la la” every so often. THIS VIDEO IS ALMOST AN HOUR LONG.

Others are apparently so addictive that every single child they touch becomes their sworn thrall. I have yet to meet a kid who didn’t love this video, which begins with a man shouting “I AM THE SHAPES TRAIN! CHOO CHOO CHOO!” in what sounds like an empty airplane hangar, descends into faux-Calypso purgatory, and ends with me screaming in the mad house.

Bob the Shapes Train

“I like watching you sleep.”

The kids at summer camp watched it every day. The kids at school have also watched it every day. Overall, I’ve probably spent more of my life listening to this song than I’ve spent holding my loved ones.

Shapes Train Text

My husband sympathizes.

But those songs are just annoying. The ones I’m about to list are straight up weird. I’ll give them to you in order from least to most surreal/offensive. I’ll also link each video, though I don’t recommend you watch them. I wouldn’t wish my suffering on anybody.

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