Tag Archives: children

The Horrors of Children’s YouTube, pt 2: Just Dance Kids

Last week’s post was long and required research on my end, which means I’ll still be whinging to my cats about it for at least another month. In light of that, I wanted this week’s topic to be something easy and stupid…and it sure ended up being one of those things! Just Dance Kids–a game that exists because Nintendo decided people of all ages have the right to look like assholes in their living rooms–is certainly stupid. Easy, though? That’s another story.

As mentioned previously, I work in an elementary school classroom, which means I watch a lot of children’s videos that appear to have been frantically pieced together to protect a non-existent copyright, featuring songs that give every indication of having been performed by a Chinese tourist held at gunpoint and forced to recite, on pain of death, every English word they half-remember from high school. Something I see a lot of, which I haven’t mentioned till now, is Just Dance Kids. What follows are my unbiased reviews of five prominent Just Dance Kids routines. Included in each review is a special “Jiggle Physics” segment–because, as whoever choreographed these dances realized, kids can’t dance, but they sure can jump up and down. Breast-havers, beware.


The Song
I’ll be honest, I’m not sure what’s trying to catch me. The accompanying dance moves skew heavily toward stylized running…

I'm Gonna Catch You

There’s only so far you can run inside a 50’s diner.

…but what the hell are we running from? A murderer? A swarm of bees? The inexorable creep of our own mortality?

Every year is getting shorter...

“Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time…”

It’s a mystery.

The Dance
It’s not terrible, except for an oft-repeated move that involves bouncing from one leg to the other while spinning in a circle. I always force myself to do this move; my co-worker’s do not. I am strong. They are weak.

Jiggle Physics
Slightly uncomfortable, but it involves more shifting than jumping. This dance can be done comfortably in front of others, unless those others are eighth grade boys, who get lathered over any hint of mammary motion and are just the absolute worst.

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