Most of us have encountered a situation in which we’re asked to describe our accomplishments. Often, this happens in a job interview. For writers, it happens when you have a piece accepted for publication. The publisher will ask for an “author bio,” which is just a truncated version of the more general “credential biography.”
Here’s credential bio about Neil Gaiman.
Here’s another about Apple CEO Tim Cook.Not thrilling pieces of literature, but they get the job done. No matter your field, you’ll spend much of your professional life marketing yourself. The credential bio is an advertisement for the product that is you.
I got to thinking, though–sometimes I don’t want to be a product. It’s a lot of effort, putting your best foot forward. Wouldn’t it be kind of fun to give your worst qualities some air time?
Here, for your consideration, are some anti-credential biographies I wrote on the train this morning.
David Burrows is an accomplished salesman and sociopath. He has achieved an 80% success rate in convincing his sex partners to call him “Your Majesty.”
For ten years, Letitia Nichols has languished in public education. Every time one of her students misuses the word “literally,” a part of her literally dies. Letitia oversees PTA meetings and her own personal campaign to keep the screams inside.
Hugo Bloughampton left his job at Chrysler to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a children’s author. He currently sleeps in a ditch and has developed a strange growth at the base of his spine.
Carol Martin smells like nothing you’ve ever smelled before.
In cultivating career success, Kyoko Menendez tramples anyone who gets in her way. Sometimes, at night, she can hear the sobs of those she has wronged. She is pursuing a Master’s degree at MIT and keeps her old scabs in a photo album.