I have to make this post a short one, which is a shame since Animal Kingdom was my favorite of all the Disney Parks. Here are just a few of the things I was able to do there:
- Eat samosas.
- See a cheetah get an endoscopy.
- Go on a wilderness safari, during which I saw two elephants humping. (The tour guide claimed they were just playing, but I know humping when I see it.)
- Pet goats.
- Almost get grabbed by a yeti.
- Feel bugs crawl under my butt.
It may be “tough to be a bug,” but it’s also no picnic getting a glute massage from an acorn weevil.
In terms of my amateur data collection, I overheard some really creepy things and saw some truly confounding shirts. Here’s the breakdown:
I imagine I’ve mentioned this before, but just in case I haven’t: I’ve got ADHD. The condition comes with all the stereotypical symptoms–I’m hyper, I’m impulsive, I draw pictures of myself juggling eggs when I’m supposed to be paying attention in class…
…but it also comes with some that are less well-known. For example, I’m easily overwhelmed. Which is why parts of Hollywood Studios were too much for me.
Imagine some lights. Now imagine some more. Imagine five million of them. Imagine they dance and change colors in time with festive Christmas songs. Imagine one of those songs is pop-punk band Less Than Jake’s Geneva-Convention-violating cover of “I’m Gettin’ Nuttin’ for Christmas.” Imagine soap is raining from the sky. Finally, imagine all of this is happening while you’re shoulder-to-shoulder and ass-to-front with tens of thousands of other tourists, and you’ll have a fairly good grasp on the Osborne Family Spectacle of Lights.
It’s gorgeous, don’t get me wrong. But after a few songs, I had to sit down on the ground, close my eyes and ears, and focus on something else (like how much I wanted to give Less Than Jake “nuttin'” for Christmas).
They have it coming.
It wasn’t all overwhelming, though. Most of Hollywood Studios was pretty righteous. For example…
I don’t know what it is about Epcot, but people there sure are Christian. How else to explain the five Christian pop-culture parody shirts we saw, in comparison to the zero we saw at Magic Kingdom?
You know the kind of shirts I’m talking about. If you grew up in an evangelical family, you probably wore the kind of shirts I’m talking about. The designers will use the Facebook logo, only it will say “FAITHBOOK” and ask if you’ll accept Jesus’ friend request; or they’ll use the Mountain Dew font to spell out “Jesus MEANT TO DIE for you!” (lest you think he did it on accident).
Given the popularity of The Force Awakens, perhaps it’s no surprise that the most popular Christian t-shirt at Epcot was a Star Wars parody reading: “MAY THE LORD BE WITH YOU.”
Fortunately for me and my irrational distaste for matching family vacation t-shirts, there were a lot fewer of those than at Magic Kingdom. Maybe all the Jesus shirts warded them off. If that’s the case, I need to start going to church again.
I visited Disney World for the first time over the holidays and decided to do a little amateur data gathering. Not about crowd size or ride capacity or anything substantive like that–no, as with everything I do, the study veered sharply toward the stupid. Here are the categories I investigated:
- Kids: Worst Kid, Best Kid, Crying Kids, Kids on Leashes, Oldest Kid in a Stroller, Most Kids in a Single Stroller, Kids in Princess Costumes
- Adults: Adults Having Tantrums, Overdressed Adults, Most Adults on a Single Mobility Scooter, Adult on a Mobility Scooter Who Very Clearly Does Not Need a Mobility Scooter
- Miscellaneous: Minions Shirts, Christian Shirts, Matching Family Shirts, Stupid Shirts, Funniest Thing Overheard
And here are the results for The Magic Kingdom: Continue reading