“Osama, Saddam, you guys are messed up. You can kiss my ass.”
We all know things in the United States haven’t been going so hot. Between the imminent dismantling of the ACA, threats to abortion rights, and Sean Spicer eating entire packs of gum, every day has started to feel like the movie Groundhog Day, if the movie Groundhog Day was about Bill Murray waking up every morning and getting punched in the balls by a billionaire megalomaniac with lips like a bleached sphincter.
The current political and social atmosphere has made it hard for me to come up with ideas for posts. I want to be entertaining, but I also want to be relevant. Moreover, I want to keep my head above the sewage waters of current public discourse and help others do the same. So I started to think: When was the last time it really felt like the world was going to hell?
And I answered myself: 9/11.
And I just so happen to have a written eyewitness record of that most pivotal era in American history. Some of it is fairly prescient. Some of it is exactly the kind of stupid bullshit you would expect a 9th grader to spout. Meanwhile, some of it shows that the more things change…
Well, you’ll see what I mean.
This morning started out normal. I did my hair, put on my jeans, blue tanktop, and blue hooded sweatshirt. Mrs. Ellerby, my neighbor, Zayne’s mom, gave me a ride to school since she was going there anyway.
I went to 2nd hour, laughed at a diagram of a fish’s anus, and got annoyed by the dumb jocks. Daniel and Jenny Deville kept fighting and wouldn’t shut up.
Then, in 3rd hour, it all started. Mr. Miller came in and said, “Today is a day that will go down in history as, um…a very strange day. The Pentagon and the World Trade Center have been attacked by terrorists.”
I started laughing because I thought he was joking. Then he turned on the TV and MSNBC was showing coverage of the smoking, flaming towers. As I watched, one of the towers collapsed. The witness they had on the scene started screaming bloody murder. Within minutes, the other tower collapsed.
After school, Nathan and I waited for Ken who never showed. We walked home alone. It was all over TV when we got home and has been all day non-stop. 10,000+ are dead. This is an “action of war.” The United States will hunt down whoever did this. There is a possibility of war. This is the second “Pearl Harbor.”
Nathan expresses doubt that there will be a war and that we will find who did this. But the TV says we are getting closer and closer to finding out. The prime suspect is some Palestinian group. I have to go to a vigil at church immediately because of this and pray there won’t be a World War III. The president, who was hidden in Nebraska, will address the nation at 9:00 PM.
George Dubya just spoke but it was nothing that hasn’t been said. Newt Gingrich is saying that there will be a Declaration of war against the country that did it. The main suspect is Ohsama Bin Laden and if he isn’t turned over it will be World War III. Oh God!
Ohsama Bin Laden is in Afghanistan and we will declare war on them if they don’t turn him over. There will definitely be a war.
There is a war, it is official. Usama is hiding in some damn place so the U.S. is gonna find him. Since this is war, I’m gonna be a hippie. Except I’m not going to protest. I’m just gonna hand out flowers on street corners. And smoke crack.
This Week In The News: Anthrax. Anthrax anthrax anthrax anthrax. Anthrax? ANTHRAX! Ok, can we give anthrax a rest please people? Two people have died from it. There is a suggestion to put all Arab Americans in camps. Say it with me here people: *coughs* NAZIS *coughs* Did I say death camps? I meant happy camps!
Taliban says war will go on for a long time. Pain in the ass Taliban. Did you know Osama Bin Laden has 54 siblings? And that his family is in charge of distributing Snapple in Saudi Arabia? And they disowned him. I would too, if I was his family.
Also, the U.S. figures that while they’re stopping by in the Middle East, they might as well get rid of that pesky Saddam Hussein. They make it sound easy. If it’s so easy how come he’s been reeking havoc for like ten years.
Osama, Saddam, you guys are messed up. You can kiss my ass.
The U.S. has control of Kabul. It wasn’t no thang but a chicken wing.
Osama Bin Laden still Bin Hidin’. Now there is some “shadow government,” whatever the arse that means. They are guarding against biological warfare. I should run past their offices with a bag of sugar screaming “ANTHRAX! ANTHRAX!” It would give me something to do over spring break at least.
Okay so now Barbara Walters says that Osama is getting money from the drug trade. WTF. Osama on drugs, now THERE’S a scary thought.
Went to Chicago. There was this guy trying to sell us postcards that he ripped off from McDonald’s. He was like, “You don’t gotta be scared of me! I ain’t no Osama Bin Laden! I ain’t got bombs strapped to me!”
Current events updates. A recent video is evidence that Osama Bin Laden is alive and not dead of bad kidneys as was suspected. The US (I think) is going to decide whether or not to attack Saddam Hussein based on what Iraq says on Friday about US inspections.
Are you ready? Prepare for the shocking story of…THE ARAB!! *dun dun duh!*
So basically this guy grabbed Christian’s arm [in the tube station during the marching band London trip] and tried to ask for directions in a different language. Well, the chaperon thought the guy was saying, “Let’s go, let’s go” and was trying to kidnap Christian, so she went over and forcibly separated them. So now everyone’s freaking out about “The Arab” who tries to kidnap kids in the tube station. All the chaperons are walking around and telling us to beware “The Arab.” And I can’t help thinking that most of the hysteria stems from the fact that the guy’s arab and people in America are just developing this big irrational fear of arabs and it’s totally gay.
Today Uday and Qusay Hussein were killed by the US government. In other news, I got to level 6 in Paper Mario for the Nintendo 64.