Cringe n’ Purge: Excerpts from My Middle School Diary

Between the ages of 12 and 18, I kept a regular diary. Well, diaries. When I dug them up out of my mom’s basement this past Christmas, they comprised at least 15 volumes.

Box of teenage diaries

Pictured: a box full of shame

As I peruse these snapshots of a misspent adolescence, I realize I had a lot to say, and absolutely none of it was good. I evidently fancied myself a bit of a rebel, when I was really something closer to the anime-addled offspring of Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and a Livejournal meme. I was the human embodiment of a t-shirt reading “You laugh because I’m different, I laugh because you’re all the same.” Witness Exhibit A:

psycho loudmouth somewhat perv

Exhibit B:

I just wanna be me!

And Exhibit C:

diary2

Actually please don’t.

As a firm believer in the healing power of shame, I’ve decided to type out some choice excerpts from volume 1 of my Journaling Journey. If this inspires you to revisit your own pubescent literary efforts, feel free to send them in, since I think it could be kind of fun to make this a regular feature. We could call it “Shame-Faced Saturdays.”

(Ed. Note: I can offer no excuse for the number of times I misuse “gay,” “queer,” and “homo” in this stupid diary. I’ve tried to work around them as much as I can, but I still apologize on behalf of my dumb-ass 12-year-old self.)

An Introduction

  • Hello peeps. I feel compelled to tell you something of myself. I have shoulder-length blonde hair that I usually wear up in meatballs like Sailor Moon. My eyes are blue, I’m about 5’4″, 120 Lbs. My skin is pale and dotted with zits, but they don’t look so bad. I have braces that are constantly broken. I’m okay looking…no beauty, but I crack no mirrors.
  • I’m extremely obsessed and consumed with all Anime. I even think in anime. When I read books and imagine the people in them, it’s anime I see. I love anime, it SO kicks ass. I guess girls aren’t supposed to like Dragonball Z, but I do. I think a lot of it is amusing and humorous. There’s so much nudity though. And Goku’s always so happy, he’s DEFINITELY gay.
diary_goku

Pictured: DEFINITELY gay

Friends

  • About my friends: my little group is Evelyn, Brook, Marla, Kendra, Maggie, and Lilith. They’re my closest friends, though I’ve not known them for long. I’m also friends with Erin, Danny, and Nikki, they’re just not in my group. I also have several other friends…more than I can name…
  • People told [Marla that] Molly and I were snobs, and she shouldn’t be friends with us, yet she insisted on doing just that. To Marla, I say “Thank you a million times for not being superficial like all those other bitches.”

diary-those-other-bitches

Sex

  • Okay, now getting back to Hentai. Hentai means “sex” in Japanese (Ed. Note: No, it doesn’t), thus, Hentai is anime porn. It’s really sick crap. They have it for Sailor Moon, Pokemon, and probably even MKR. They even have it for Scooby Doo. I saw some over at Marla’s.
  • [Lilith] told me about a bunch of Hentai she had seen. Turns out her, Evelyn, and Marla used to draw some. I don’t find that disgusting. In fact, I was I was around back then to see it and contribute! I’m 12 years old, but am quite sick for such a tender age.

Vegeta

  • I keep having a dream with Marla capturing Vegeta in a Pokeball and having sex with him.
  • KEVIN CARTY LIKES MAGGIE! Ah! I feel so sorry for her! He even asked her out. I told him not to, ’cause his boyfriend Tinky Winky would be jealous. Anywho, Maggie’s heart still seems sworn to Vegeta.
  • Dave asked Maggie who she REALLY has a crush on today. She said she wasn’t going to tell him, that only her best friends knew. (Of course it’s Vegeta she loves.)
  • I can’t take it anymore! I LOVE YOU, VEGETA! ~blush~

Bulma and Vegeta love

Feelings

  • Truth be told, I’m sorta depressed. Not MAJORLY, but I’m getting sick of people thinking that just because I seem happy all the time, I have no other emotions whatsoever. I cry too. I get mad. I’m lonely sometimes. Things people say affect me deeper than they’ll ever know. Why do I hold it all in? Why don’t I ever cry? I wish I could fly…On a lighter note, I am now thoroughly convinced that Frieza’s gay.

Pooping in Lakes

  • Guess what Dave Riley (Kevin Carty’s BFF) did? He used to be Maggie’s BFF when they were little. One day, they were swimming over at his house. Standing on the dock, Dave pulled down his pants and took a dump in the lake! Afterward, he picked the shit up and marched around with it! What a dick!

A Gay Clarinet

  • After computers, I went to see my sister play her gay clarinet.

diary-clarinet

An Ending

  • Well, this is the end! Hey, no it’s not! I will write again! Make sure you catch my new diary in volume two. I wanna say my friends rule and Eminem’s hot, he should not go to jail. Sayonara!
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