It started, as so many things do, with a text conversation with my husband.
I want you to know how tiresome this is getting for me. My husband is not a wild guy. He makes vanilla ice cream look like a ghost pepper smoothie. He makes Peppa Pig look like Caligula. I once asked him which physical attribute he found most alluring in a woman, and he responded: “Bangs.”
And yet, it’s always him discovering this deep-web, poorly-disguised internet fetish nonsense. On top of that, he knows that, once he brings it up, I’ll be compelled to dive into it face-first. He knows, and yet he tells me anyway.
I hope you’re happy, Ryan.
Note: While there is nothing NSFW about these games, they do contain some medical imagery that readers may find stomach-churning. I know I had to look away from my screen a couple times while I was playing them.
#1. ELSA FOOT DOCTOR (Babies Camp)
Elsa’s feet are funky, and it’s your job to sort them out. How she managed to sustain contusions, scrapes, warts, an impalement, and toe fungus all at once, I’m not sure. Is this what happens when you wear the wrong running shoes?
Sexiness: 4/5 if you have a foot fetish
Realism: 1/5–Her foot is on backwards, and you can’t get rid of warts by rubbing them with a damn ice cube. Come on, game.
#2: BABY ELSA SKIN ALLERGY (123PEPPY)
Baby Elsa ate some fish and developed a severe allergic reaction. It’s up to you and the lovable snowman Olaf to yank her back from the brink of anaphylactic shock.
Like its brethren, this game is super hand-holdy. Olaf tells you exactly what to do every step of the way. And, while I question taking medical advice from a character who struggles to grasp the concept of melting, everything seems to turn out okay.
Premise: 3/5–I can see why today’s kids might relate to this game, what with all their glucose allergies and tree nut traumas.
Realism: 2/5–That ain’t no baby. She’s at least 13 years old. Just look at her in this fierce dress I picked out.
#3: BABY ANNA EAR DOCTOR (iigirl.com)
Elsa whines and cries like a spoiled brat while her younger sister performs delicate medical operations on her. She’s five, Elsa, okay? She’s doing her best, for God’s sake.
Premise: 2/5–On the one hand, kids are intimately familiar with ear infections. On the other hand, gross.
Realism: 0/5–The least realistic game of them all. Just look what I found in Elsa’s ear.
#4: BABY ELSA SKATING ACCIDENT (Dress Up Mix)
This one starts with a flash movie showing just how Elsa got so injured.
Which is probably a bad move, ’cause now I have no sympathy for her. She wasn’t even looking where she was going.
But all right, I’ll mend the little nipper. As long as I have the game to guide me.
Premise: 4/5–At least it makes some logical sense within the established Frozen universe.
Realism: 4/5–At least you’re not rubbing Pez dispensers on her face.
#5. BABY ELSA FLU PROBLEMS (Daria Games)
Arrgh, Elsa! You stupid idiot!
Premise: 2/5–Extremely annoying!
Realism: 4/5–The baby looks like a baby. I guess that’s all I can ask for.
#6. ELSA PREGNANT (Free Games Casual)
This game is mystifying to me. You don’t help Elsa give birth. You don’t take her to the OB-GYN. You just…dress her up. There’s absolutely no reason for her to be pregnant.
I’ll rephrase that: there’s absolutely no savory reason for her to be pregnant.
Anyway, I went all out. It’s winter, so that little fur coat is a must, and she’s pregnant, so no high heels for her. It’s comfortable tennis shoes all the way. I also put her against the warmest-looking background, because even the snow queen shouldn’t be going bare-legged in a blizzard will preggers.
Premise: 4/5–Kind of fun, lots of dress-up choices.
Sexiness: 3/5 if you’re a pregnancy fetishist
Realism: 3/5–I have a hard time believing a pregnant woman would want anything to do with most of those shoes.
#7: ELSA AND RAPUNZEL, PREGNANT BFFs
Pregnant at the same time! That’s something some women get excited about…maybe? Let’s try not to think about who else might get *excited* about it.
The titular BFFs hang out in a suburban kitchen, and you force feed them fruit and prenatal vitamins.
Sexiness: 4/5 if you’re a pregnancy fetishist
Realism: 5/5–I guess? I mean, they’re just eating and taking vitamins. It’s not too exciting.
#8: ELSA PREGNANCY CHECK-UP
This one’s probably the ultimate as far as internet pervs are concerned. Look at the way those disembodied hands lovingly cradle Elsa’s swollen belly as they rub slick ultrasound gel all over it. Also…is that baby wearing makeup? Even the fetuses are sexy in this game.
At the end, you get to give Elsa a temporary tattoo on her big pregnant belly.
Premise: 2/5–In the right hands, I’m sure this could be a cute game for little kids whose mothers are pregnant or something. But I seriously doubt it’s ever fallen into the right hands.
Sexiness: 5/5 if you’re a pregnancy fetishist
Realism: 1/5–Not only do you stuff a whole stethoscope into Elsa’s uterus, you also cram a tape measure in there to measure the baby’s length, which sounds extremely painful. As the infomercials say, there’s gotta be a better way!