The Horrors of Children’s YouTube, pt 3: An Unholy Discovery

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This post is part of an extremely-occasional series on the worst of children’s YouTube videos. You can read part 1 here and part 2 here.

Imagine: you’re browsing YouTube when you come across one of the more recent videos from an account called Play Kids. The title of the video is “♫Nursery Rhymes♫ HULK Colors x4 riding Banana Colors cars & Lightning McQueen Cars (Songs for Kids).” The description of it reads as follows:

HULK COLORS With Their New Banana Colors Car & Disney Pixar Custom Flying Colors Lightning McQueen Cars. Popular Children Song With Action. Nursery Rhymes Fun Time.

You might be forgiven for thinking the account manager threw in a bunch of random words in a pitiful bid to enhance the video’s SEO. Only after clicking the play button would you realize that the description was entirely accurate.

Another thing you’d realize? You’ve just fallen into one of the strangest internet rabbit holes in existence.Minions and Heroes and Cars, Oh My

Play Kids is one of several extremely similar YouTube entities that posts mash-ups of Things Kids Like, chiefly Marvel superheroes, Despicable Me minions, and a million recolors of Lightning McQueen. The characters interact, in a very euphemistic sense of the term, beneath a soundtrack of children’s nursery rhymes–This Old Man and Daddy Finger seem to be the tunes of choice.

This is obviously cynical, as well as questionable from a copyright standpoint. But it’s not the weirdest part.

The weirdest part is that these videos seem to have been created in a heavily-modified version of the infamously violent video game Grand Theft Auto.

Amid pandering appearances by Spider-Man and Elsa from Frozen sit scenes of brutality, destruction, and the Hulk shouting: “Who let this prick drive?”

Let’s take a look at four of these abominations as we try not to think too hard about what shady third-world operation spawned them.

#1. SPIDER-MAN’S SPREE

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Title:Lightning McQueen Cars Pixar Spiderman Nursery Rhymes USA (Songs for Children with Action)
Channel: ToysDisneyCars
Video Description: Lightning McQueen Spiderman # Nursery Rhyme Singing Time! #LightningMcQueen #Spiderman This video features a Custom Disney Cars Pixar Lightning McQueen USA with SpiderMan!
Musical Accompaniment: “This Old Man,” “The Itsy Bitsy Spider”

Spider-Man climbs to the top of a building and kicks the hell out of a bunch of custom Lightning McQueens. Then he jumps in a monster truck and drives it off the side of the building.

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No longer satisfied with destroying inanimate objects, Spider-Man finds a group of armed gangsters and punches them while they shoot at him with semi-automatics.

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Best Moment: At 8:50, Spider-Man temporarily halts his rampage to buy two burgers from a street vendor.

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#2: BANANA BOAT

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Title: ♫Nursery Rhymes♫ HULK Colors x4 riding Banana Colors cars & Lightning McQueen Cars (Songs for Kids)
Channel: Play Kids
Video Description: HULK COLORS With Their New Banana Colors Car & Disney Pixar Custom Flying Colors Lightning McQueen Cars. Popular Children Song With Action. Nursery Rhymes Fun Time.
Musical Accompaniment: “Daddy Finger”

A gang of recolored Hulks stunt over a line of pseudo-vaporwave Lightning McQueens in a rainbow banana car.

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They also shoot at the cars with a gigantic gun. Because the only thing kids like more than Lightning McQueen is seeing him take a bullet in the face.

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Best Moment: At 7:50, the Hulks start driving their banana car up a giant ramp while an unseen bystander repeatedly screams, “Fucking maniaaaaaac!

#3: SLIDE OF DEATH

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Title:Blue Spiderman & Spiderman Disney Pixar Cars Pool Party & Nursery Rhymes Children Songs HD
Channel: DragiCarsTV
Video Description: Today we have spiderman and blue spiderman and his blue mcqueen cars 🙂 Please subscribe for more nursery rhymes and spiderman parody videos 🙂
Musical Accompaniment: “Daddy Finger”

This video is bone-chilling from start to finish. It opens on a cluster of identical Spider-Men standing at the top of a giant slide. One by one, they’re hoisted by a blue-and-black Spider-Man and tossed down the slide, emitting womanly shrieks of genuine terror the entire time.

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“AHHHHHHH!!!” -Spider-Man

Every so often, blue-and-black Spider-Man pauses in his psychotic rampage to perform a little victory dance.

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Best Moment: It’s not the best so much as it’s the eeriest, but there’s a moment at 1:36 when the camera zooms out to show a Spider-Man standing calmly next to a blood-spattered car, a pile of dead bodies at his feet. The camera lingers lovingly for quite some time.

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#4: LETTING IT GOletitgo-elsagivesup

Title:GREEN Spiderman Playing with Disney Cars Colors & Elsa Queen Colors Nursery Rhymes for Children
Channel: DragiCarsTV
Video Description: Today we have green spiderman and his friends disney cars & Elsa Frozen. This video is with nursery rhymes songs.
Musical Accompaniment: “Old McDonald”

Green Spider-Man picks up a Lightning McQueen and chucks it at a cluster of Elsas, causing the car to explode and the Elsas to…well, not take much notice, really.

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Frustrated at the Elsas’ aloofness, Green Spider-Man jumps into a car and starts mowing them down. That gets their attention.

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Best Moment: Having been struck by Green Spider-Man’s car at 4:14, one of the Elsas yells, “Christ!” To which Spider-Man responds, “Too fucking bad.”

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Too bad indeed.

Parents, please don’t let your children watch these videos.

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