How Do Dirty Stuff with Woman? Lifehacking Your Way into a Porno

confused-man1

Today’s book is called How to Get Her to Watch Sports, Have Snuggles, and Call Her Best Friend for a Chat.

Except that’s not what it’s called. What it’s actually called, I have to put under a cut, because for some reason I still insist on operating under the pretense that this blog is safe for work.book-cover

I found this book while I was searching online for “naughty” coupons to annoy my husband. I find most things while trying to annoy my husband. It’s just the kind of relationship we have. Anywho, the book’s summary immediately drew me in:

This book will tell you everything you need to know to develop the sexual relationship you’ve always wanted…even if you’re married. In this book, you’ll learn…

– The single biggest turn-on of every woman

– How to achieve true, heart pounding intimacy, which almost guarantees your relationship will last forever (and she’ll be open to your “kinky” side)!

– A perfectly normal (and healthy) sex act between a man and woman… once forbidden by American psychiatrists… which they now admit will dramatically increase the amount of great sex in a relationship!

– The five “tricks” which are a man’s surest path to anal sex from a woman. (Screw up just one of these and you’ll never get it!)

– A scientifically-proven “aphrodisiac” which gently sends a woman’s sexual desires into white-hot overdrive!

– The single most important thing you can do to make yourself more attractive to women!

– The most important (and most little-known) quality you MUST have if you want anal sex from a woman… (Women will overlook everything else except this.) 

Aphrodisiacs! Heart-pounding intimacy! A sex act once forbidden by American psychiatrists! All exciting stuff. But what actually got me was that the summary mentions getting anal sex twice. As it turns out, that may be because anal sex is the only point mentioned in the summary that the book explicitly covers. As with The Pleasure Palace, I’m pretty sure the blurb writer never read the manuscript they were blurbing. Is this common practice in the field of publishing, or…?

Anywho, onward to sexy times!

Women

1 - itsenoughtodriveyoucrazy

Women sure are complicated! So opines Sindy St. James, a woman with the least believably-spelled moniker this side of “P!nk.” A former call-girl, St. James sympathizes with men who are mystified by women. Especially when those women aren’t up for kinky sex.

2 - notyourfault

8 - womenarenurturers

Your girlfriend’s discomfort isn’t your fault, and you can’t understand women because they’re nurturers–interesting theories. Here’s an alternative: while some people are naturally more kinky than others, trying to overcome that nature with sneaky tricks generally exacerbates matters in a way that is very much your fault. Also, women aren’t complicated. You’re just stupid.

But before we get into the details, we need some background. St. James gives us the lay of the land with her list of…

The Four Categories of Girls

3 - latebloomer

4 - tantalizer

Wow, is that ever a gross use of the term “normal.” Not only does it paint aces and sluts alike as “abnormal,” it also implies that having sex with a woman when you’re not sure if she’s enjoying it is totally healthy.

The name Tantalizer kind of burns my biscuits too–as if the only reason she’d be kissing her friend at a bar is to tantalize the nearest man. Maybe she’s feeling affectionate. Maybe her friend’s heart has stopped and she’s giving her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Maybe her friend’s mouth is a portal to Narnia and she’s shouting hello to Mr. Tumnus. You don’t know.

tumnus

“It smells like a brewery in here.”

More irksome still is the subsequent list of potential reasons for reticent girls’ reticence. It’s not that the reasons aren’t important–they are. Desperately so.  But if you’re only addressing them so that you can get kinky sex, you’re kind of a creep.

5 - bodyimage6 - slutfactor

7 - sexualabuse

“The most important thing about these issues is that they prevent me from doing butt stuff.”

All right, enough of my carping. Let’s check out some of these righteous strats.

Public Sex

Having sex in public is a common kink, and St. James is all for it.

10 - worstthatcanhappen

That is demonstrably not the worst that can happen. I once knew a kid who got put on the sex offender registry for mooning another kid’s grandma. That aside, as long as you’re not bonking in public-public, like in a place where there’s more than a 1% chance that someone will see you, you’re probably good.

But what if your lady friend is too shy? St. James has some tips.

11 - hottogether

I promise you, the world doesn’t want to know.

Okay, more communication is always better. Until, of course, it isn’t.

12 - shesjusttoobeautiful

Oh my God, stop talking, stop talking

This is so embarrassing that the part of my brain responsible for embarrassment just committed ritual suicide. Don’t be that couple that sneaks off to make out at a party, and if you are, definitely don’t act cute about it. Your fellow guests are annoyed enough without your corny-ass cracking wise.

young man at balcony in depression suffering emotional crisis

“I came out here for a smoke, but now I think I might jump.”

Role Playing

Role playing in the bedroom is relatively harmless, but it can also be kind of embarrassing. If the cheesy lines have your girlfriend flustered, you might have to direct her a little bit.

14 - tellmemycockisbig

“Eh, pickle-sized, give or take an inch. Hang on, let me get a ruler.”

If it’s the costumes that unnerve your darling, St. James suggests using theme parties to your advantage.

15 - halloweenparty

Of course, the success of this gambit would seem to depend largely on what costume you wear.

cock-halloween-costume

“Tell me how big my cock is.”

Filming It

If the non-stop parade of leaked celebrity sex tapes hasn’t taught us not to film ourselves having sex, then our species is truly doomed. Your girlfriend will likely want no part in such a production. There is, however, another option.

17 - beautifulandartistic

Artistic nudes. Can’t see that one going wrong.

george-costanza

“Don’t worry, babe, it’ll be tasteful.”

Watching Porn

A trusted female relative once told me: “If a guy always wants you to watch porn with him, it’s probably because he can’t get it up any other way.” That may not be a fair assessment, but for the life of me, I don’t see why watching porn–a solitary activity, to my way of thinking–is an experience that needs to be shared.

Lots of people must disagree with me, though, ’cause there’s a whole chapter about it in this book. And man, is it sneaky. At the beginning, St. James writes, you should frame your machinations as a joke.

18 - mst3k

“HA HA!” you say. “I don’t like porn either! I just watch it! To laugh at it! Yeah!” Some guys might be good enough actors to pull this off. I feel like most women would cotton on pretty quick, though.

Assuming you get past that initial stage without rousing her suspicion, the next step is even sneakier.

19 - ihaveahardon

“Me? Get turned on by porn? It must be the finest, handcrafted porn, harvested and shipped directly from the misty porn fields of the Swiss Alps!” If this ploy doesn’t raise her eyebrow, you might have a prayer of making it to the next phase, which is the most disingenuous yet.

20 - whatthehell

Portrait of a mixed race man scratching his head in confusion

“What the hell?”

It’s even implied in the set-up that you’ve seen this porno before, since how else would you know that it “seriously turns you on”? Duplicity upon duplicity. Any plan that involves you feigning surprise that a dirty movie is sexually stimulating is one that should be undertaken with extreme caution.

Watching Her Masturbate

“Many women never [masturbate],” St. James claims. I don’t buy it, but okay. Women are fragile, sexually repressed blossoms. Sure.

If your girlfriend doesn’t want to touch herself in front of you, there’s only one course of action: bring up masturbation at every available opportunity.

21 - areyoutouchingyourself

“I’ve got diarrhea, dick.”

22 - howdoyounottouchyourself

“Can you not in front of my parents?”

Once you’ve done that, you can move on to the next logical step–making her rub food on herself.

23 - rubitinyourfilthyanimal

Ants? I think it might lead to ants.

I tried to find a funny picture of someone miserably rubbing food into their hair to illustrate what this practice must feel like, but all I found was this. I have no idea what it is. I hope you enjoy it.

beard-net-dailymail

The Moment You’ve All Been Waiting For

St. James gets real excited about this section. You can see it in the header.

24 - anal

Calm down, St. James.

The section on anal is less about how to convince her to do it and more about the mechanics of the process. First one finger, then two. Trim those nails. Take it slow. To actually recount St. James’ advice here would be, I think, needlessly graphic, but there are a couple points I’d like to point out.

Like this side note.

25 - anusmakesafartingnoise

I believe that’s called farting.

Or this suggestion on how to get her to incorporate sex toys into the ordeal.

26 - bachelorparty

Is it…is it normal for guys to give out anal beads at a bachelor party? I’m honestly asking. I’ve never been to one.

thumbsup

“You’re the best, man! See you at the wedding.”

Miscellaneous Kinks

St. James devotes a chapter to listing various kinks, and while I’ve been on the internet long enough to know most of them, there were a few that caught me off guard.

27 - quicksand

What…? What the fu…? Apparently this is a very real thing! There’s a Vice documentary about it and everything.

28 - services

Um, does anyone know where I can find one of these guys? Asking for a friend…

29 - strongersperm

The cuckolding thing is old hat, but what’s this business about the other guy’s sperm? Why…why are you fantasizing about the relative potency of another man’s swimmies? Human sexuality is so strange.

discovery-dot-com-sperm

“I’m you but stronger.”

The Takeaway

While a good portion of this book is full of tricky tricksterism, the rest of it is relatively harmless. Again and again, St. James emphasizes communication and understanding, which is really where her advice should begin and end. No weird strategies. No pretending not to understand how porn works. Just talking.

Maybe if this book’s target audience focused more on talking and less on life/sex-hacks, they wouldn’t find women so confusing.

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