Surrealist iPhone Memos: When You Don’t Remember What You Were Trying to Remember

I didn’t get a smart phone until three years ago. Prior to that, I’d lived in Japan, where smart phones weren’t yet standard and every expat had the same cheap flip phone. Prior to Japan, I’d owned a brick that could make calls, be seized when I got grounded, and little else.

Old cell phone

“No phone for a week! That’ll teach you to call your grandfather’s dentures ‘fake and gay.'”

On that fateful spring morning when my dad bequeathed me his old iPhone, I felt like I’d finally caught up with the curve. At last, I could text, surf the Internet, and avoid making eye contact at dinner as easily as the next person. I could even type memos to circumvent my crippling ADHD. I’d never forget anything again!

Yeah. About that…

Scanning now through three years of memos, I realize this particular application has been a mixed blessing. Typing reminders is one thing–remembering what the hell you were trying to remember is another. Add to this my tendency to use one memo sheet for months on end without giving it any sort of title, and you’re left with entries that are completely useless at best…

Liberal Arts

Well thank god I wrote this down.

…and sound like creepy avant garde poetry at worst.

Negotium Perambulans

The pestilence that walketh in darkness (primarily along US 275 South).

For your enjoyment and befuddlement, I’ve compiled the strangest memos on my phone. Maybe you’ll be able to figure them out. I certainly don’t know what the hell I was getting at when I wrote this:

#8. Let’s Rank Planes

Scare Plane.

The weirdest thing about this entry is that there seem to be point values assigned to each item. Why does Bear Plane score a 5 out of 5 while Square Plane falls short of the mark? Historians will debate the issue for decades.

#7. A List

pumpkin crunch

I’ve never watched Black Books, owned a piano, or eaten anything called Pumpkin Crunch. Otherwise, this memo was invaluable to me.

#6. Either Depressed or Turning Into Dracula

never sleeping never resting

#5. Let This Be My Epitaph

Piss mommy.

#4. A Study in Cryptozoology

Mysterious animal.

Whatever poor animal fits this description got the shit-end of the evolutionary stick. But at least it has a membership card!

#3. Sounds Like a Bad Day

Bad day.

#2. Good Tips for Your Next Adultery

Daytime friends and nighttime lovers.

#1. Sounds Like a Worse Day

God will weep.

It’s always good to end on a vaguely unsettling note. Stay frosty, everyone!

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