I didn’t get a smart phone until three years ago. Prior to that, I’d lived in Japan, where smart phones weren’t yet standard and every expat had the same cheap flip phone. Prior to Japan, I’d owned a brick that could make calls, be seized when I got grounded, and little else.
On that fateful spring morning when my dad bequeathed me his old iPhone, I felt like I’d finally caught up with the curve. At last, I could text, surf the Internet, and avoid making eye contact at dinner as easily as the next person. I could even type memos to circumvent my crippling ADHD. I’d never forget anything again!
Yeah. About that…
Scanning now through three years of memos, I realize this particular application has been a mixed blessing. Typing reminders is one thing–remembering what the hell you were trying to remember is another. Add to this my tendency to use one memo sheet for months on end without giving it any sort of title, and you’re left with entries that are completely useless at best…
…and sound like creepy avant garde poetry at worst.
For your enjoyment and befuddlement, I’ve compiled the strangest memos on my phone. Maybe you’ll be able to figure them out. I certainly don’t know what the hell I was getting at when I wrote this:
#8. Let’s Rank Planes
The weirdest thing about this entry is that there seem to be point values assigned to each item. Why does Bear Plane score a 5 out of 5 while Square Plane falls short of the mark? Historians will debate the issue for decades.
#7. A List
I’ve never watched Black Books, owned a piano, or eaten anything called Pumpkin Crunch. Otherwise, this memo was invaluable to me.
#6. Either Depressed or Turning Into Dracula
#5. Let This Be My Epitaph
#4. A Study in Cryptozoology
Whatever poor animal fits this description got the shit-end of the evolutionary stick. But at least it has a membership card!
#3. Sounds Like a Bad Day
#2. Good Tips for Your Next Adultery
#1. Sounds Like a Worse Day
It’s always good to end on a vaguely unsettling note. Stay frosty, everyone!