The Special Snowflake Report, Mach 2: How to Be a Weirdo

Everybody’s weird, and nobody’s weird. This is the closest thing I have to a consistent life philosophy. And even I only believe it about 60 percent of the time.

Full disclosure: when I was in high school, I self-identified first and foremost as “weird.” When you’re a teenager, that means something very specific–waxing rhapsodic about 80’s cartoons, bursting into song at inappropriate moments, and so, so many non-sequiturs. Also sporks, for some reason. My mom had a rough time convincing me not to have “Sporky” embroidered on my letter jacket.

A fucking spork.

She succeeded in the end, thank God. She was a really, really good mother.

That was the kind of forced randomness my peers responded to. Though I had many traits that were genuinely unusual or perverse (as does everyone), there was no point in emphasizing them–not if I was keen on being recognized as a “weirdo.” Weirdo was a demographic, a tribe. It was one more stupidly tiny box for my teenage self to stuff herself in, heedless of all the parts she had to cut off in order to fit.

Happy Noodle Boy

“How many times do I have to quote Happy Noodle Boy before the other weirdos accept me? SILENCE, CLITORAL CHEESE NIP!”

Of all the things I’m glad to see the back of, my “Weirdo” phase comes in at number one. It was phony, limiting, and more than a little embarrassing. At the same time, I suspect it’s a natural part of growing up. It must be–because the next generation is doing the same god damn thing. At least, if this stupid clickbait article is to be believed.

18 THINGS ONLY WEIRD PEOPLE WILL UNDERSTAND
My husband’s stated intention in sending this list to me was to have me write an article about it, because he desperately wanted someone to rip it to shreds. I suspect a secondary motivation, however: he was mad that I saw the dress as blue and black and was trying to revenge himself accordingly.

the dress

“YOU DON’T KNOW DICK ABOUT COLOR THEORY!” – my husband, in a fit of rage (swiked.tumblr.com)

Anyway, I hate this stupid list. The introductory paragraph sets the tone for the whole insufferable affair.

For people that are weirdos, life can be an unusual mix of traits and tendencies that only we can truly appreciate. We’re sorta made from some unusual ingredients, and while we might be tough for some people to totally get, and maybe more than a little bit “crazy,” one things for sure: life will never be boring with us.

“Traits and tendencies that only we can truly appreciate.” There it is, right at the top: that infantile tribalism that makes my teeth and/or non-existent balls ache. You can and should take pleasure in your own particular weirdness, but it’s hard to do that when you’re adhering to some prescribed definition of what weirdness is.

Also, it’s “For people who,” not “For people that.” Jesus, this noise has me so heated I can’t even contain my inner Grammar Nazi.

1. People are intimidated by you until you open your mouth. You unintentionally charm people, but only you know that you’re not endearing at all – you’re just a weirdo.

“You unintentionally charm people,” it says, before listing a bunch of habits that aren’t remotely charming.

2. You enjoy randomly doing British accents. And impersonations.

Generally speaking, random British accents are to humor what a kick in the nuts is to fertility. I’m okay with impersonations, as long as that’s not code for “says ‘holy crap Lois’ in a Peter Griffin voice nineteen times a day.”

3. You have to fight a daily impulse to make creepy faces at really serious people you pass on the street.

Everyone gets weird impulses. Everyone. If the urge to throw oneself over the edge of a tall structure is common enough to be widely recognized, then there’s nothing special about your urge to make stupid faces.

4. You hate talking on the phone.You screen your phone calls – even from your friends – and you probably hate talking when people are around. Listening to one thing and seeing something else is a lot of sensory input piled on top of everything that’s already going on in your head. Your mind often drifts away; and you have to force it back to the conversation to add in an “omg that’s craazzyyy,” every time the person stops talking.

Most young people hate talking on the phone. This is a legit generational trait that’s been documented numerous times. As to the rest of this item, if you have that kind of trouble with sensory input, you probably have ADHD. If you have entire conversations during which your only contribution is “omg that’s craazzyy,” you’re probably a boring asshole.

That's craazzyy

“Ovarian cancer? omg that’s craazzyy”

5. You can be an impetuous asshole, but then you spend the rest of your day over-thinking every detail and going back and forth as to whether you were too mean. Damn it!!!

Garden-variety neurosis. Welcome to the human condition.

6. When you do find someone else as weird as you are, you’re overjoyed that someone else is made from the same ingredients as you. You hang on to this person for life.

“PEOPLE ENJOY SPENDING TIME WITH THOSE WHO SHARE COMMON INTERESTS AND TRAITS! NEWS AT 11!”

7. People confuse your weirdness for confidence and you end up being their social life jacket in situations. But you’re not really that confident – you’re just weird and just as uncomfortable as they are.

Kids, I promise you: no one is mistaking your “weirdness” for confidence.

8. There’s nothing worse for you than having to hang out with “normal” people for the whole day.

*distant sound of vomiting*

9. You hate traditional parties and systems. Educational systems, proms, Super Bowl Sunday…you don’t really get these and other “rites of passages.”

Defining yourself by what you don’t like is an obnoxious way to boost your “Special Snowflake” cred. Good for you for being too cool for school. What enriching activity are you engaging in, in lieu of those traditional parties and systems? That’s what actually makes a person interesting.

10. Although, if you do chose to grace a party with your presence, you’re the life of it. People will often confuse you for an extrovert, but you’re not, you’re just a weirdo.

I say this as a socially awkward person who overcompensates: you are a socially awkward person who overcompensates. Welcome to the club. I assure you, there are no perks.

11. You kinda hate typical dates- and you definitely HATE small talk, so needless to say, first dates are your Achilles’ Heel. You prefer your encounters with your potential romantic interests to be spontaneous and not follow anything traditional.

Then how about you plan a spontaneous, non-traditional date, instead of pissing and moaning about “normies?”

12. Your dance style ranges from “white dad at a barbecue” to “stripper whose rent is due tomorrow.”

That’s called “being white.”

White kid dancing.

13. Most of the time you can’t stand clubs. You don’t get it. One of two things happen: either you’re with the right people and are the life of the party, or, you’re not with the right people and you just end up feeling really annoyed by the superficiality of it all.

Oh, ugh, the superficiality of it all! Not only are you “weird,” you’re pretentious and deeper-than-thou. What a winning combination.

14. You have your evil laugh down to perfection, “MUHAHAHAHA!”

Hang on, I need to go catch my eyes. They just rolled straight out of my head.

15. You really don’t understand why it’s not socially acceptable to just like randomly break out in song and dance in public places.

This one is painfully familiar. The more things change…

16. You can feel distracted or vulnerable when you are in certain overstimulating environments but oddly enough you love concerts and love to perform.

No one likes being overstimulated. Most people love concerts. This one is barely worth dissecting.

17. You’d rather race in shopping carts or make videos with your friend in your room at 3 a.m. than be at the hottest night club with the “hottest” people and celebs.

It’s sucks to be a person of substance amid all those NORMIES who only care about CLUB DANCING and CELEBRITY HOT TIMES. Know what else sucks? Your warped perceptions of how most young people spend their lives.

18. It takes a while for people to get you and your sense of humor, but when they do, they’re all like “ommgg at first I was like wtf is wrong with them but you’re actually really hilarious!”

I didn’t edit that item. That’s how the author actually typed it. Sad times.

19. You think it’s totally okay that there are 19 things on a list of 18.

I don’t think it’s okay that this list has even one item. But then, I’m not a WEIRDO (TM).

Bite me, prep.Real girls eat Pocky.One by one the penguins steal my sanity.I don't suffer from insanity.Normal people scare me.You laugh because I'm different.

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2 thoughts on “The Special Snowflake Report, Mach 2: How to Be a Weirdo

  1. jenhaeger

    I don’t understand what the point of this list is: Is it to say, “Yay, weirdos of the world unite!”, “You might be a weirdo,” or “Coming to terms with your inner weirdo.”

    Reply
    1. joannalesher Post author

      I think it’s a clumsy attempt at building an identity around 1) normal human characteristics falsely considered “weird” by the author, and 2) being kind of socially awkward.

      Reply

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