Because I’m currently in the process of restocking my supply of weird books, and because I’m too tired to put together a TEENWORKS post, we’re going to abandon standard operating procedures and venture way off the beaten track today.
We’re going to talk about penis pasta.
Specifically, Weenie Linguine Penis Shaped Pasta.
Weenie Linguine bills itself as “the only noodle with a HARD-ON!”, and while I’m willing to take their word on that, the notion that only one company would come up with dong-shaped pasta does strain credulity to the breaking point. Questionable claims of unique-ness aside, Weenie Linguine is exactly what it says on the package: tiny little penises that you can boil up and serve with your favorite pasta sauce. Made in Italy, no less, which is more authenticity than I’d expect out of a product purchased for $7.99 at Spencer’s.
(Spencer’s, for those of you not in the know, is a gag gift shop found in malls. They specialize in drug references, sex toys, and comedy bumper stickers that say things like: “HOLD MY BEER–WATCH THIS SHIT!”)
I bought it for my husband’s 28th birthday. He was grateful. And by grateful, I mean he stared at it for a moment, heaved a long-suffering sigh, looked up at me and asked: “Why?”
We wound up having pizza instead. Which was a colossal waste, if you ask me, but no matter. Weenie Linguine has been sitting in our cupboard for nearly a week now, and that’s long enough for me to get curious about it. I decided to do a Google Search, because my past searches (“Frankenstein sex,” “Sisqo,” “how much heroin for an overdose,” and “that guy in pilgrim times who had sex with three turkeys”) haven’t confused the NSA enough.
The first thing I found were the reviews. They ranged from the innocent…
“Fun box of weenies!”
To the raunchy…
“I ate 23 dicks last night. I think that’s a world record.”
To the gay panicky…
“The men did not think it was good.”
To the frankly alarming.
“Weenie Linguini was a big hit! Grandma loved it”
What I was really interested in, though, was who produced the stuff. The packaging was no help on this score.
But one of the reviews sites I visited clued me in. Weenie Linguine is manufactured and sold by Hottproducts Unlimited, a company in California. I spent some time perusing their site. Their products are indeed hott. They include vibrators, cock rings, something called “Horny Honey,” and a section called “Xmas Holiday” that I was too scared to click on. If you go to their About Us page, Hottproducts Unlimited informs you that “[they] have received numerous trophies that were awarded to [them] by some large customers.” So there you have it. Weenie Linguine isn’t just penis shaped pasta–it’s award-winning penis shaped pasta.
Suck on that, Ryan.