Turkey Tales (pt 3): Married Turkeys

Welcome to the third and final installment of my Thanksgiving series, Turkey Tales. Over the past month, we’ve gotten hot and bothered about Sex Turkeys and trembled in the face of Murder Turkeys. Now–because I realized I was one article away from a game of turkey-themed F*ck-Marry-Kill–we’re going to take a look at Married Turkeys!

I put this article together using the same painstaking process I employed for the first two: typing a stupid phrase into Google and seeing what came up.

puritan who had sex with three turkeys

Exhibit A

Here are the results I received for the query “Married Turkeys.”

Top 10 Images of Animals Getting Married
I’d never realized how achingly specific top-10 lists could get until I stumbled across this one. Not content to slap up just any images of animals getting married, the intrepid author spent days combing the net for the 10 very best images of animals getting married. At least, that’s what I assume happened. How else could he or she compile such top-shelf pictorials?

Ducklings getting married.

Ducklings getting married.

Swans getting married.

Swans getting married.

Penguins getting married.

Penguins getting married.

Those are but three of the literally 10 top images of animals getting married. You’ll notice that birds are well represented on the list. Unfortunately, one of the birds that isn’t represented is our friend, the turkey. I realized I would have to look elsewhere.

Wikipedia’s List of Human-Animal Marriages
It comes as no surprise Wikipedia, home of the “List of animals with fraudulent diplomas,” has an article on human-animal marriageHuman–animal marriage is not recognized in law by any country, Wikipedia advises, although attempts by humans to marry animals have been recorded. The article then proceeds to list some of those attempts. They include:

  • Cat
    In June 2013, fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld announced that he wished to marry his cat Choupette. He said in an interview with CNN, “There is no marriage, yet, for human beings and animals… I never thought that I would fall in love like this with a cat.”
  • Cow
    In June 2010, 18 year old Indonesian man, Ngurah Alit, was forced to marry his cow after he was found having sex with it. The man had believed the cow to be a beautiful woman. He then became a widower when the cow was drowned in the sea to symbolically cleanse the village of the act of bestiality committed there.
  • Dog
    In June 2003, a nine-year-old Indian girl of the Santal (or ‘Santhal’) tribe of Khanyhan, near Calcutta was formally married to a dog, in order to ward off a bad omen. The wedding was attended by more than one hundred guests, who danced to the beating of drums and drank home-made liquor. The girl told Western press, “I have no regret in marrying the dog.”

To my dismay, no human has ever tried to marry a turkey. At least, not to Wikipedia’s knowledge. My lonely search continued.

Whatever the Hell This Is

Barbara Orr Ehrhart

A 1948 article in Life magazine records the wedding of Barbara Orr Ehrhart, obsessive turkey enthusiast. Ehrhart, it seems, had such a proclivity for turkeys (more specifically, their feathers) that she based the whole ceremony around the birds. She got married at the Far West Turkey Show in California. She hand crafted her gown, as well as the bridesmaids’ gowns, out of tens of thousands of turkey plumes. She had her guests throw celebratory turkey feathers instead of rice. Then, to cap off the night, she served turkey at the reception.

Barbara Orr Ehrhart and one of her turkeys.

Barbara Orr Ehrhart was possibly a little insane. She was also possibly the person in history who has come closest to marrying a turkey. That, I’m afraid, will have to suffice for our purposes.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

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